1st Birthday
Mila is turning 1. Crazy. She may not look it or act it, but that little girl has more experience than most 3 times her age. Thank you to everyone who has asked how she is doing. The answers are still the same, she is doing great! Slowly developing, still something wrong and still no answers. We have been living in a state of normalcy for the past 3 months or so which is why there has been little to report. What you can pray for is her continued development and more urgently her MRI which is scheduled for next week (December 7th). Michelle and I are anxious about the MRI because it is risky. While we have little hope that they will find anything (which would be a good thing). We only care about her safety. She has always been our most delicate, fragile Angel. While we know the risks are slim there is this slight fear of something wrong happening because, to be honest, we have been expecting something tragic. I hope that is not morbid but when you have a bunch of misdiagnosis and even more unanswered questions a natural reaction for us is to fear something bad will happen. My prayer has been and will always be that nothing is acutely wrong with Mila, that it is not something dire or deadly wrong.... All else we can live with.
Let's talk about prayer for a second. I traditionally am a great internal prayer. I always have a thought or guided dialogue with our Good Lord. While I can pray for the avoidance of something bad, with Mila I can not pray for change. Why is that? When I need Him most, in the most trying event of our life, I struggle to pray or find what to pray for. There have been nights that while giving her a bottle I have laid holding her without a prayer to offer up. I do not understand this feeling. When I reflect on why that is I only come up with one rational reason. I think Mila is perfect! As a father you want your kids life to be easy, avoidance of sorrow or difficulty. I want her life to be full of joy! So when you think about what our heavenly Father wants, our Wills are in line. What that means is that, genetic defect or sever delay aside, Mila is exactly who she is within the perfect Will of God. When I think this, it makes sense. When I feel this, I know that I love Mila beyond all reason. I look at her and smile from my heart. When I hear her, even in the middle of the night, my soul is joyful. When I smell her I sigh with content. She is the most fun, humorous, joyful, sweet, needy and welcoming little girl I have the grandest pleasure to parent. Michelle and I agree, I could not love her any more than I do each second. If in another year from now she is on a chart or has no other sign of delay, she will still be and have the feeling of, the most precious gift of God we never deserved. For that reason... I am speechless even to God. I guess in a way my lack of prayer is a show of thanks and also a plea for nothing to happen to make her any less perfect than I feel she already is.
A side note of her progress. At year one she is pushing 16 pounds. She is eating soft foods in small bites. She is not sleeping through the night but can give us a day or 2 of daylight. She is flipping and rolling, with a giggle on her face. She is attentive and pointing when we ask (always in the same direction) and she is never shy to let us know she wants attention. She loves her brothers and sisters. She loves, up close, face to face contact which will end with her pulling at your face.
She is 1! A year that is marked with so much stress, fear, joy and love. I hold her and she is still a baby. I watch her from the distance and she is no older than when this all started. This may sound odd but that is special. While we are celebrating Mila being 1 year old... We have so much more to celebrate.
Let's talk about prayer for a second. I traditionally am a great internal prayer. I always have a thought or guided dialogue with our Good Lord. While I can pray for the avoidance of something bad, with Mila I can not pray for change. Why is that? When I need Him most, in the most trying event of our life, I struggle to pray or find what to pray for. There have been nights that while giving her a bottle I have laid holding her without a prayer to offer up. I do not understand this feeling. When I reflect on why that is I only come up with one rational reason. I think Mila is perfect! As a father you want your kids life to be easy, avoidance of sorrow or difficulty. I want her life to be full of joy! So when you think about what our heavenly Father wants, our Wills are in line. What that means is that, genetic defect or sever delay aside, Mila is exactly who she is within the perfect Will of God. When I think this, it makes sense. When I feel this, I know that I love Mila beyond all reason. I look at her and smile from my heart. When I hear her, even in the middle of the night, my soul is joyful. When I smell her I sigh with content. She is the most fun, humorous, joyful, sweet, needy and welcoming little girl I have the grandest pleasure to parent. Michelle and I agree, I could not love her any more than I do each second. If in another year from now she is on a chart or has no other sign of delay, she will still be and have the feeling of, the most precious gift of God we never deserved. For that reason... I am speechless even to God. I guess in a way my lack of prayer is a show of thanks and also a plea for nothing to happen to make her any less perfect than I feel she already is.
A side note of her progress. At year one she is pushing 16 pounds. She is eating soft foods in small bites. She is not sleeping through the night but can give us a day or 2 of daylight. She is flipping and rolling, with a giggle on her face. She is attentive and pointing when we ask (always in the same direction) and she is never shy to let us know she wants attention. She loves her brothers and sisters. She loves, up close, face to face contact which will end with her pulling at your face.
She is 1! A year that is marked with so much stress, fear, joy and love. I hold her and she is still a baby. I watch her from the distance and she is no older than when this all started. This may sound odd but that is special. While we are celebrating Mila being 1 year old... We have so much more to celebrate.
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